Funny Casino Quotes
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As magical and amazing as the holiday season is, it can also be ridiculously stressful. That’s why it’s more important than ever to remember to laugh in the face of packed shopping malls and traffic by enjoying a few funny holiday quotes. We can all survive the holidays if we take a breather every once in a while.
“The casino played a song of its own—slot machines dinging, chips clacking as the dealer passed them out to the players at the tables, and the chatter of people throwing down money with the hope of hitting it big. It was like a carnival for adults. A person could get lost for days in a place like this.”. Casino games such as roulette, blackjack, baccarat, slot machines and so on, are stacked in favour of the house.
My family celebrates Christmas, and my boyfriend’s family celebrates Hanukkah, so I’ve been doing holiday double duty for a few years now. And as much as I love all the traditions and food and booze and family time, it can be a bit overwhelming on my introvert’s heart. I mean, even celebrating one set of holiday traditions can be tough, but two? I’m sure I’m not the only one who has to take a few moments to remember why we put ourselves through all this.
Keeping your sense of humor during the craziness of the holidays will be a big help in keeping you happy and sane while you have to answer why you and your boyfriend aren't married yet 100 different times. Believe me, as much as the holiday season is made out to be this sacred, joy-filled extravaganza, there is still plenty to laugh about.
1. 'Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.' — Dave Barry
2. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” —Johnny Carson
3. “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” —Robert Godden
4. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” — Shirley Temple
5. “Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.” — Richard Lewis
6. “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” — P. J. O’Rourke
7. “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” — Author Unknown
8. “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” — Andy Rooney
9. “For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is — and people will usually just give it back anyway!” — Anne Bristow
10. “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” — Steven Wright
11. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” —Victor Borge
12. 'What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.' — Phyllis Diller
13. 'One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.' — Louis C.K.
Looking for more holiday cheer? Check out Bustle on YouTube.
Images: DaPuglet/Flickr; Giphy (13)
Gambling has been enjoyed by mankind since before the written record of history. Now that’s quite some time. So, with it having been around for so long, it’s had plenty said about it, and we’re revealing to you some of the best gambling quotes from across the years.
We’ve got some downright funny winning quotes, others are more morose, others still are insightful, and the rest? Well, they may just offer you a new way of thinking.
Here's a quick look at some of the greatest quotes on betting ever said (or written).
Eat your betting money but don't bet your eating money.
Who doesn’t love a good ol’ play on words? Especially when their simplicity reveals such profound wisdom. The idea is simple and just as relevant to your prince as it is to your pauper. Go wild with the winnings you get from gambling and spend it how you please, but don’t put the money for your food and rent into a bet.
The best throw of the dice is to throw them away.
Popular amongst those who don’t like gambling or risk-taking. And, as Italy was, and still is, very Catholic, it’s no shock that they claimed this proverb. You never know where the dice will land, and this proverb asks why you should bother trying your luck.
The appeal and temptation is acknowledged, after all the dice are already in your hand, but you can still walk away. You lose the chance of a potential win, but you can be certain you’ll suffer no loss. Gamblers prefer to live by, 'nothing ventured, nothing gained', and give themselves over to Lady Luck!
In a bet, there is a fool and a thief.
The cold light of day shone on any bet. A harsh approach, it suggests that the winner, the thief, lured in the innocent fool and robbed them.
While there can only be one winner, usually the bookmaker or casino, and the odds are stacked against the gambler, it’s all in the name of fun. If you go in knowing all this and set limits, it’s hard to call you a fool.
A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way.
Author of the great American novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain made a lot of money from his successful writing career but after a couple of disastrous investments had to file for bankruptcy.
A man after our own hearts, he says that it's always sweeter to make a dollar on a great bet than to earn it through grafting on a hard day's work. Maybe it’s because of the thrill of the win, the risk involved, and the instant gratification. Or maybe it’s the glamour and because we didn't work for it. Either way it feels like easy money. Free money. And that’s worth celebrating.
By the way, if you're wondering, 'Faro' is a card game that was very popular in the 1800s until it was later surpassed by poker.
The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
An American humorist, cartoonist, and journalist, Kin Hubbard always got his point across by making us chuckle. And the above quote is no exception. He plays with literal meaning, yes your wallet will have more of a bulge, but his point is clear.
There’s no risk involved in folding your money over once, so it’s safe. But if you are looking to double your money, you need to step out of your comfort zone.
Quotes From Casino
The guy who invented poker was bright, but the guy who invented the chip was a genius.
Using chips in casinos is probably how so much money gets bet in each game. When you win big, you know about it and you are literally rolling in it, but when you want make a bet, it doesn’t seem like much to put down a few chips. Especially the chips with higher value.
The guy who invented the chip worked out that this simple trick meant way more people would part with more money. It’s like spending with a credit card. When there’s no hard cash involved you lose a sense of the value.
Of course, another advantage is that it keeps games organized, and with chips being thrown around from player to game to player, they need to be durable, the kind of durable that paper money lacks.
A gambler never makes the same mistake twice. It's usually three or more times.
Terrence Murphy has written a lot about gambling over the years, and his alter ego, VP Pappy, is quoted across many gambling magazines. His observations about gambling tend to be insightful yet tongue-in-cheek, probably borne from his own experiences, and the quote above ticks those boxes.
We’ve all been there, believing with all our being that THIS roll is the one. And when it’s not, it’s the one after that. Or the one after that. And it goes on. But this doesn’t have to be your fate! There's more than enough strategic information out there to make sure you're playing your games of choice the right way.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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A funny gambling quote from a much-loved comedian. Mitch Hedberg’s deadpan style appealed to audiences across his short-lived career and poked fun at everyday observations. He became something of a cult icon before his premature death.
Just like this quote, he used a lot of one-liners with snappy punchlines to get the laughs.
You know, horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.
Gambling Quotes Funny
Will Rogers was a Hollywood star of his time and led the field in political wit, and used his great sense of humor to entertain the public. This quote takes a direct approach, but the joke is still pretty funny. Funny and true as it ridicules us for our ways of having fun.
If there weren't luck involved, I would win every time.
Funny Casino Movie Quotes
Known for being temperamental amongst other fellow famous gamblers, this professional has got himself the nickname of 'Poker Brat'. But with that fire comes talent, he’s won a record 14 World Series of Poker bracelets over the years, winning loads of money along the way!
We can see from his success that he’s very skilled and, from what he says above, might not be so lucky. That’s the beauty of games like poker, though. A mixture of strategy and luck will get you that win meaning that players with less ability might actually win against those with all the know-how. With luck thrown in, you never know what will happen and that’s what keeps players coming back over and over again for more.